Life sucks sometimes

I wish I could start my blog more positively, but not today. I know, I've fallen off the face of the earth; sorry about that. I wish it was because I have been so busy being a mom. But, no. I have a had a pretty rough couple of months. When my mom was sick she was unable to work (and therefore, unable to make the payment). Our house went into foreclosure in February. Yuck! So I gave my home daycare families notice (my God, that was emotional), got a job directing a preschool center (it's been very low-stress), and moved. I ended up moving to another county, so my paperwork needs to be submitted to a different County Social Worker. I have left numerous messages and still haven't received a call back. I will starting getting 'ugly' come Monday. I have ID'd more waiting children and even got a tip of a young gal in another state that is due in a couple of weeks, she ended up decided she wants a family that lives in the same state as herself. This was another emotional time for me. I find it so hard to be excited for others that have their referrals and children home when I feel like I've lost referral after referral. I know I haven't in all reality, but I think the day I stop allowing myself to get hopeful over a possible situation with an ID'd child where my homestudy has been sent to another state/another SW is the day I need to just give up. I can't do this without caring. Maybe I'm looking at it wrong. Maybe I should be able to want to be a mom and not care who my eventual children are. Maybe I should force myself to detach form the idea of motherhood and having a family. Maybe I should stop caring. I don't thing that is the answer, but how many times can I allow myself to be hurt by this process. I know there are those out there who have gone through so much worse and I will never know what that is like, but this has been so taxing, so sad, so tearful at times. I don't want to keep putting myself in situations where all I feel is desperate or rejected or hurt. ~~~~(Okay, I had to have a minor breakdown, I guess I haven't addressed that issue in writing in a while.)~~~ I know this is what I am meant to do. I have wanted to build my family through adoption since I was 12. I still want to have children. I want to be patient and involved and, quite honestly, done with this whole process. Anyway, enough of my venting. I hope to catch up on all your blogs when I'm not so emotional about the topic.